A Day of Reflection ...
Kurt with the two Korean students who stayed with me and Cody for a week.
Today my heart is heavy. I'm in a relationship with a man who lives in chronic pain thanks to Bin Laden. Kurt was a JAG in the Air Force and was on a mission that went bad after 9-11. He hasn't been able to really work since. I try to exhibit unconditional love and understanding but sometimes I just want him to be able to show up more. The pain makes him unavailable more often than not and that reality is hitting me hard after over a year and a half of dating. I wanted him to go with me on the trip to Penn with Ebe and Anita - after all, Penn is his alma-mater, but the pain keeps him from doing things I take for granted. I wanted him to come spend the weekend with me since we had the day off today but the pain keeps him from doing things I take for granted.
... today I wonder if he takes me for granted. It wasn't always like this ... he used to do things with us and go places with me. Take this picture for example. This is the night Kurt treated all of us to a night of go-Karting, miniature golf, and laser tag. Granted he couldn't function the next day but ...
... today I wonder if he takes me for granted. It wasn't always like this ... he used to do things with us and go places with me. Take this picture for example. This is the night Kurt treated all of us to a night of go-Karting, miniature golf, and laser tag. Granted he couldn't function the next day but ...
I don't think I can always come behind the pain and his kids. I deserve and want more than that. I learned a long time ago that love isn't enough - a relationship needs more than love to see it through the dark times. I love him but just because I love him doesn't mean I should be in a relationship with him.
Is this as good as it gets? And if so, am I OK with that? These questions come to mind more often than I like to admit.
Today begins my six month marker. I will be using my blog to keep track of how often I ask myself the, 'As good as it gets' question. I need to make a decision to accept this relationship for what it is and make the most of it or move on. March of 2013 will be the absolute deadline. I may figure it out before then ... after all, I was ready to call it quits today ... how many more days will feel like this? ... how many have already felt like this? Is there a magic number to hit before I know I can't do it anymore? Time will provide the answer as long as I'm still looking for it. Here's to the search ............
Today begins my six month marker. I will be using my blog to keep track of how often I ask myself the, 'As good as it gets' question. I need to make a decision to accept this relationship for what it is and make the most of it or move on. March of 2013 will be the absolute deadline. I may figure it out before then ... after all, I was ready to call it quits today ... how many more days will feel like this? ... how many have already felt like this? Is there a magic number to hit before I know I can't do it anymore? Time will provide the answer as long as I'm still looking for it. Here's to the search ............
"When you think about giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
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You should never feel like you are settling. If you are already feeling like something is missing or that you need more it is most likely not going to get better... age makes physical symptoms worse. I am a fan of making a pros and cons list and then prioritizing which things on each list are most important to you. Are you willing to live with the cons to keep the pros? It sounds like being able to do certain activities is high on your priority list, so it might be time to evaluate the situation. Is a relationship worth part of you dying or being silenced?
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