When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.
Today was the first day of my 20th year of teaching. It didn't look or feel the way I imagined it would a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. I honestly thought I would start this year in a position that was not in the classroom. WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ... that didn't work out. I was disappointed when I learned that I did not get the AVID Coordinator job for the county. I really believed in my ability to do for all BCPS AVID programs, what I have done for the AVID program here at NTHS. I was ready to be challenged in different ways and ready to grow as a leader so I could make my dream of being a principal a reality. That door, however, did not open. It took the wind out of my sails for a bit but I reminded myself that I really do work with the best kids and best teachers EVER. It was time to move on by getting back in my routine and getting back to moving our AVID program from good to GREAT. And then Tuesday night happened....
I received a text message from Katie Dauka that she had resigned from BCPS that day. I once again heard the echo of a slamming door. Is it ironic to say I was shocked but not surprised? I was shocked that she did it three business days before the start of the school year. I was not surprised, however, since I hadn't heard from her all summer. I guess it isn't easy to face people you know you are going to hurt.
So today I took a picture of Katie's door as a symbol of the closure she never bothered to give us. She believed in and touted about our AVID family but she left us like a dead-beat dad. I feel abandoned - like a single mom who is left to raise the children alone and answer the inevitable question, "WHY?" ... yet I don't have an answer. She said she wasn't happy and needed a change. OK - I get that - I thought I did too. But why leave now - she couldn't have done it in June? Even July? August 14th?!? Why leave like this? Why leave when you don't even have another job to take this job's place? Why throw away 6 years of hard work? Why does happiness have to come at such a cost???????
I am almost certain that I will never understand the decision so right now I simply want to stop thinking about it. Yet today I found myself thinking about her at every turn. I felt like a family member mourning the tragic and sudden loss of a loved one. The reality hadn't set in so I kept thinking .... 'I'll ask Katie to remind me how we did it last year. ... OK maybe not ...I'll ask Katie to send me that document ... Scratch that ... I'll ask Katie about that student we didn't accept ... Oh for crying out loud!' And with each dead end I felt more and more depressed. A few years back I stopped teaching AVID 12 because I was tired of watching teenagers self-destruct. Yet here is an example of an adult making one of the most irresponsible, destructive, and selfish decisions I've ever witnessed someone I love make. It leaves me feeling bitter, angry, and just plain tired. I hope with time and distance I can find a less synical and judgemental vantage point. I hope that I can turn a deaf ear to the echo of a slamming door and turn my face forward and upward and wait for the breeze that is sure to come when God opens that promised window ... for both us.
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