Project 365: Day 70 - Sun. July 26th, 2009

All Packed for Camp Dad

Today Cody is going to go stay with his Dad for a week.

In the 8 years of his life this will be the longest time Cody will have ever spent with his father. He has stayed with him 3 (maybe 4) days before but this marks a first in both of their lives. I always say Edwin is a great part-time dad. He spends time with Cody every week and doesn't give me a hard time about taking Cody away on vacations. He has provided financially for his son every month. He loves him openly. So I try not to resent him for the fact that he can't let go of his selfish habits to be more involved in his son's life. I am the product of a broken household - I know what it feels like to not see or hear from a parent for days, weeks, months, even years at a time. It was my idea for Edwin to start taking Cody for both Friday and Saturday nights every other weekend. It was my idea for Edwin to actually take a week off of work and spend it with his son. It was my heart that broke when Edwin asked me a few days ago if Cody could spend the weekend with me since he was spending the week with him.

I'm going to pause here for you to do what I did - replay those words in your head because they are so ludicrous it's hard to imagine they were ever uttered.

But believe me, they were and I don't know what emotion hit me first or which hit me harder - rage or disappointment. I can't write about it now without the sting of held back tears hurting my eyes and choking my throat. Cody goes EVERY Friday to his dad's. This Friday I just so happened to make actual "go out and have fun" plans with Fran - a much needed and long awaited GNO. Because I NEVER deny my son I almost said yes. But this time something stopped me - this time I said:

"I made plans Edwin so this is problematic. I didn't know that having your son for a week would mean that we would have to start bartering and changing the weekend ritual."

"OK - but you'll have to come get him Saturday."

"Of course." .... 'So that I can turn around and bring him back to you the next day? So that you can go out on your precious Saturday night? So that you can have time to go to the gym? Will you ever become the type of father who would actually ask for, want, and appreciate extended time with his son? Nevermind. Eight years of co-parenting with you has given me that answer' .... is the monologue in my head as I walk away. Distance was the only thing that would keep me from blurting out my disgust and cause another one of Edwin's tantrums - I had already been witness to one this week and I didn't have the energy for another.

So I picked Cody up Saturday late morning and off we went for a day at the pool with our friends Lisa, Brady and Hannah. But the acute pain that those brazen words, that his continued selfish behavior causes in my heart takes my breath away and is the reason why my voice changes every time I talk to him. I have never been good at hiding my disdain and complete contempt for anyone's stupidity - especially his.

Cody doesn't hear these conversations, these selfish requests from his father, but one day he will. One day he will realize that his father is incapable of giving up his time, his love, and his gifts without hesitation, reservation, and a tit-for-tat hidden agenda. It is why I left him. It is why I decided that raising a son on my own would be emotionally easier for me to bare than to constantly live with the disappointment that comes from Edwin's selfish choices, selfish behavior, and a selfish heart that should come with a visible capacity level warning.

I will send Cody off with kisses and hugs that will hopefully last a week. I will also send him off with prayers that Edwin doesn't call in the middle of the week after he hits the inevitable parenting wall that looms dangerously in the distance. The wall is there - the call will come. Even his girlfriend Emily's positive presence won't keep that call from coming. Of this I am certain. Of what I am not certain at this exact moment, is what my reaction will be. I refuse to follow his behavior and choices out of spite which is why I never deny my son. But this time my resolve is steadfast. This week is an important rite of passage for both of them. Why can't he embrace it with passion and appreciation? For whatever reason he just can't. It isn't in him. So I will await the call and will pray that God's Grace helps me muffle my words and helps me articulate the ones that He deems appropriate.

Sweet heavenly Father, on this Sunday morning I give you glory from my home and ask that you continue to protect my son both physically and emotionally. I give you my neverending thanks and praise for the honor of being a mother to such an amazing little boy. This morning I pray that you continue to fill all the other single mothers, who struggle more than I, with your strength and forgiveness. May we all be able to raise boys into men that mirror you Lord - the eternal Father that never forsakes us. May we be able to forgive the fathers in our children's lives who haven't learned what it means to be a dad. Who probably never observed their own father's take an active role and interest in their lives. Lord help us break the vicious hurtful cycle.


(2 hours later) Hi God, it's me Jodi...

I'm back again already asking for more strength and wisdom. Because the inevitable call already came and the week hasn't even started. I just got off the phone with Edwin and since bartering off his time with Cody this weekend didn't work, he tried to shirk his duties next weekend instead. Next weekend is the weekend he is slated to have Cody for Friday and Saturday. Why am I the only one who remembers that he agreed to keep Cody for a week? Last time I checked a week was 7 days. Why does he feel that watching Cody during the week should release him of the time he is supposed to have him on the weekend? All the things I wrote this morning were validated with every word he uttered today.

He emphatically told me I was to drop him off at 5 o'clock sharp and pick him up on Saturday afternoon. "Won't do it" - I said. "I'm not going to do all the driving - did that for 2 years remember?!" His response was: "You will bring him here today and I will drop him off on Saturday and that is all I am going to do - nothing more nothing less." I swallowed my rage and dug deep to find the right words...

"But Edwin Cody is counting on a week with you and this is the weekend you are supposed to have him Friday and Saturday."

"But I have a report to write and painting to do, Emily is leaving on Saturday and I will have already had him all week." ... and there it was the ugly, honest truth as naked as a new born baby ... Edwin is a fabulous Friday night father. I should have known better than to ask for more. It simply leaves me feeling like I do right now. Weighted down with regret and sick from the rage whirling inside of me.

The incredulousness of his request made me wanna holler obscenities to every nook and cranny of the world. ... But instead I just whispered through the tears ... "It's hard isn't Edwin? It's hard juggling the demands of work and life and full-time parenting? For once I would like for you to admit just how hard it is." He said something obscene and then hung up on me. And that is when my heart broke yet again for Cody and I was swept completely under--drowning in my own sea of resentment.